Well, it's been a while since I blogged. I think my ramblings here represent me well- all over the map. My brain is so everywhere all of the time. I am back in Libby, Montana after visiting Chelsie (my girl) in Long Lake, Minnesota. I was there for a couple of days. I took a train and a break from everything. It was so good to see her again. While on the train I started to write this journal:
Sept. 28, 2007
One Year. Spinning my wheels. Floating in a stagnate sea of motionless water. Waiting for the wind or a currant to move me forward. I can't wait any longer. I must find an oar and paddle my way out. I am on a train heading back to Libby, Montana. I have had a lot of time to think this past week. And I have been thinking about this past year. Deconstructing it. I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. Last year at this time I was working at Whole Foods Market in Denver, Colorado. I had so many things going on, that I was not taking care of my needs. Work was demanding (but, Whole Foods is still the best company to work for!), my group of artistic friends always had small projects going on (one of which was a zombie movie), I was working with local musicians Melissa Ivey and the Gentlemen designing and updating their web site, CD covers, posters, flyers, video and more, I was working on my own web site that featured 30 other artists, online business selling paint brushes and writing a comic book and neglecting my girlfriend Chelsie. I was stretched thin and stressed out.
Then my attention span went elsewhere. Some shiny object or the cow outside the train window that was face down in a pond and not moving. Can cows breath underwater? Anyways, I should finish this "Year Thought". Where was I? Oh yea, stressed out. But hey, who isn't? I'm not special. I'm just a guy. I miss Denver a lot. I spent 14 years there, making friends, growing and finding myself. But I missed my mountains and freedom from the masses. I'm in that strange place that where ever I go, I miss the last place. That's normal, though.
My parents were ill and being from Libby, I feared the worse. Libby has more than it's share of illnesses (read my previous posts on Libby and asbestos). So I packed up and all of my friends and coworkers pitched in to help me move. I had a huge going away party at work, and then Chelsie threw me one at our apartment with all of my other friends. She was also getting ready to move to Minnesota to help her family out. But she didn't tell anyone. The party was for me, and once again I neglected her. And the way my mom talked on the phone, I thought they were both on their death bed. And when I got to Libby, I find that they are sick, but more than that, they are very unhappy. I moved back to help them, but they won't let me. They won't go to any doctors, they won't let me help around the house or anything. I can't cook or bring the wood in, because I do it wrong. I am in a very toxic environment, physically and mentally. So I sit in my room and I am nobody. And when I try to get my business going my dad hovers over me and says "when that doesn't work, you can get a job at the mine (in Troy, Montana). I am miserable. I now know why I moved to Denver. So here's my dilemma: I stay in Libby being depressed and unable to help my family and grow ill like them, move back to Denver after Whole Foods helped me move to Libby, or move to Minnesota with Chelsie and a fresh start. And if I leave Libby, I know something will happen to my parents to pull me back. I feel stuck. I love Libby, but I have never been free to be me here. I was me in Denver without my mountains. Minnesota was nice. Lots of lakes and trees, city and country. An art scene for me to jump into. I won't spread myself thin this time either. I need to focus on me. Quality Paintbrushes (
[link] ), sBs (
[link] ) and Schism: Generations (
[link] ). That's my focus.
It's strange. Even though this year has not gone how I would have liked it to, I took a time out to figure out what I need. I need to be creative again (I'm blocked here) and be with Chelsie. We have talked every day since I moved. We are closer now than ever, and she makes me happy. Good things are coming. The sun is going to shine...
Update
